Crush Me

I was standing in line at Costco, when I suddenly recognize the person standing in front of me.

"It's Robin Williams!" I shout to myself.

Wait.....No, but he looks so familiar. I know that face.

A second passes and I realize, "hey that's Bill......."

OMG! Is that Bill? I start feeling nervous, My heart starts to beat a little faster and my mouth is dry.

Could it really be him after all these years? As May Be Bill pulls out his Costco Card I attempt to get a look at his name. No luck. Then May Be Bill pulls out his ATM card. And there was yet another lost chance to see his name.

He suspiciously glances over his shoulder, while covering up the keypad as he punched in his pin.

"Really officer I just neeeeed to know if his first name is Bill!" I explain as they throw me in jail and drop off the children at protective services.

"Honestly, I wasn't attempting to steal his identity," I plead. "Why would I want to be 50 something-year-old man?"

Then I felt this deep urge to blurt out, "Is your name Bill?"

But the words would not come out of my mouth. My pulse racing. My heart pounding. My voice mute. All the while, a flock of dizziness circles my head.

Bill was my first crush when I was very young, probably 5ish. He lived across the street. He rode a motorcycle and played a guitar. He was so cute and I adored him.

In those days my favorite outing was going to get gas with my Mom. Why? Because Bill worked at the gas station, of course!

Who knew Costco lines could be time travelling machines, or better yet flashback inducing drugs. I had time traveled all the way back to my very first crush, and it felt great. And exactly like the other 1000s of crushes I've had since.

Ain't crush adoration grand?

The Thing About Crushes

Sometimes we think someone has a crush on us, but in reality they don’t. Maybe the person is just being nice. Or, perhaps, like aura colors create frequency resonation and attraction between people. Recently, I was eavesdropping on some kids, when one of the girls says, “I think Vinny has a crush on me.”

My ears perked up on this note and I quickly joined in on the conversation. “Why do you think he has a crush on you?” I ask.

“Oh, because he always calls me by my nickname,” she answers confidently.

Right then I knew Vinny didn’t have a crush on her, because I knew he thought her nickname was her name. Yes, I had insider information. In fact, I also thought her nickname was the name she went by.

Around the same time I thought the youth minister at Gio’s school had a crush on me. Every time I took Gio to school for the last two years or so, I would say, "hi," as we walked by his tiny office.

Then one day, for no apparent reason, he started coming out of his office when we were going to, and from school. He had never come out of his office before. I didn’t think too much of it till we were leaving one day.

"I don't want to leave, Mommy," complains Gio.


“He can stay, and I’ll go,” offers Youth Minister Guy.

“Ha, ha, ha,” I reply and leave quickly.

What is this guy thinking? Can’t he tell I’m married? Wilco Tango Foxtrot! I even called my friend, in a tiff, to complain about my so called admirer.

From then on, I attempted to avoid him. I wouldn’t even say, “hi,” anymore. I walked on the opposite side of the building from his office and I looked down while doing so. I'll admit he was cute. He had a big violet aura, and I was feeling uncomfortable.

After dropping Gio off at school one day, he came out of his office, and I had nowhere to hide.

“Hey, my name is Andy,” he says offering his hand which I nervously accept. After all, it would have been weird to say, "sorry, I can't shake your hand because I'm married. As in not available."

“My name is Wendy,” I say trying to remember to breathe. Since we shake with our right hand, it would be convenient to also wear our wedding rings on the right hand, now wouldn't it? I feel this would make the "I'm not available," communication more clear without having to come out and say it causing needless embarassment.

“Well, I just wanted to say thanks for saying “hi” to me everyday. This is my last day here. I got a new job as a minister at a big church.”

“Oh good. You shouldn’t be hiding in that lonely, little office, anyways. You need to be inspiring thousands and thousands of people.” Somehow, I refrained from talking about his violet aura, directly anyways.

“Phew,” I thought to myself. The whole time he was just trying to find a way to say "goodbye." And to thank me for saying "hi" to him all this time. And I thought he had a crush on me, and was trying to avoid him. Yes, I was feeling very silly.

Anyways he’s gone off to inspire thousands of people as he should. But sometimes when I walk by his office I pretend he still has a crush on me.

I had Leif Garrett's baseball card.

Stefan, and I were watching Swingtown's latest episode the other night, when one of the characters mentions Leif Garrett.

Stefan then realizing maybe he did have a connection to the show shouts, "I had his baseball card!"

"You so did not have his baseball card, and I can prove it right now," I say. "He was my junior high school boyfriend," I say stretching my obsession to a lie.

I pause Swingtown. I love watching T.V. on the Internet so much I don't even know what the television is for anymore. (Mental note: cancel Tivo and cable, get rid of dinosaur which is taking up too much space in my house.)

I effortlessly type in L-e-i-f G-a-r-r-e-t-t on You Tube driving my point home with ease. I click on I was made for dancing.

"What was his popular song," Stefan asks?

"We're listening to it. Oh my gosh, I forgot how cute he was," I say transporting back in time to my crush.

Realizing his only connection to Swingtown is me, Stefan admits, "I guess I didn't have his baseball card."