Skunk!

5:30 a.m.

I  was so excited our geriatric, deaf, insomniac dog slept through the night that I forgot to check for skunks before taking her outside to water the plants....

Da da da!

"Oh no," I stammer. "Oh no. Ally, Ally, puhleeeeeeease come here! Come on girl."

"What's going on?" asks Hubby.

"There's a skunk in the backyard RIGHT NEXT TO ALLY," I manage to get out.

"I knew there was a skunk living out there!" says Hubby, in that 'Aha!' voice.

"Um, when were you going to tell me we have a house guest?" I ask, annoyed.

"I  did tell you," claims Hubby.

"No, you didn't," I say. "You said there was a skunk in the backyard the other night. Which is a lot different than there's a skunk living in our backyard, or even vacationing there for the summer."

Meanwhile the dog and the skunk are about 5 feet from each other dancing IN THE BACKYARD. And by dancing I mean the dog is pooping and the skunk is waddling around looking for an escape route.

By this point I'm starting to wonder if they've been married for 20 years by the way they're comfortably ignoring each other. Based on past experience, the skunk should have sprayed the dog by this time

Exhibit A Exhibit B

Hubby, now in full rescue hero mode, leaps past me into the yard despite my attempts to block his heroics.

"Where are they going to live when the skunk sprays them?" I ask the cats?

"Outside," purr the Cats.

Hubby attempts to grab the dog, who is in mid-crap.

She falls to the ground wondering, "What the hell is wrong with this guy? Can't an old lady dog go to the bathroom in peace anymore?"

Apparently not.

"What's all this clapping in my house and who are these annoying people?" wonders Fred the Skunk. "I think I need to defend myself!"

Then Fred the Skunk lifts his tail and does an A Butt Face towards Hubby and the dog.

Hubby scoops the dog into his arms, which the dog is attempting to bite in order to regain her freedom.

He then tries to run into the house craddling the snapping dog, but I'm blocking their escape, furiously sniffing the air to be sure no one has been sprayed before I let them through the doorway. Amazingly, the air smells skunkless.

"Wow, that is the nicest skunk, ever," I say.

Ten Minutes Later

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz," snore Hubby and the Dog.

Falling Out Of Bed

Someone's been hitting the catnip hard.

Nature's Miracle Skunk Odor Remover

Nadia the Dog, suspiciously resembling
the markings of her perpetrator(s).

Skunked Part 2 (Part 1 click here)

Midnight Friday August August 7:

"The dog can sleep outside," I say.

"No, she can't," says Hubby. "The skunks will come back to get her."

Of course, now there's more than one skunk. Oh the poor, poor thing.

"Well, she won't smell any worse than she does right now," I say. "Leave her outside, she's a DOG."

"I saw two opossums out there this morning, if the skunks don't get her, the opossums will," says Hubby. "I'm going to give her a bath."

And he did, at 12 o'clock in the morning, on a work night. True love. How sweet. Here's what he used.

30 minutes, and three dog washes later, he comes back in with the dog, and the smell. Granted it isn't as strong, but it's there, like oxygen in the air. Am I breathing? Not at the moment.

"See it's fine," he says skunk drunk. "I can't smell a thing."

And he was right he couldn't , but I sure as H-E-double hockey sticks, could.

"That's because you've been trapped in Skundedom for the last 30 minutes, and now you have skunk oozing from your pores," I say. "It's a part of who you are now, who you will always be.

Needless to say we moved the dog's bed, to HIS side of the bed before we went to sleep.

Friday August 7 9:00 a.m.

I wake up and notice the dog does not smell like a skunk. It seems Nature's Miracle Skunk Odor Remover truly is miraculous, but takes a bit of time to eliminate all the odor.

It's totally enzymatic! The last time Nadia got sprayed by a skunk, the headache inducing, nauseating, aromatherapy lasted a year. I wish I was exaggerating.

Application Instructions:
For the record, Hubby put it on right away and straight, no chaser. In other words, her fur was dry. He let that sit on her coat for about an hour or so, reapplying the solution several times. Then he washed her three times with shampoo, without rinsing the skunk remover.

Internet I sincerely hope you never need to know this, but if you do, whoomp, there it is.

Skunked

Good thing blogs aren't scratch and sniff.

So I've been tweeting about a skunk, lately.  You know the one that lives in our yard, whose eau de toilette wafts through the bathroom window, most nights.

Right, that skunk.  Yes, that skunk just sprayed Nadia the Dog.  Guess someone is sleeping in the dog house tonight.

THROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life with an older cat includes a lot of thrown up, unResolved hairballs.




"Seriously Nay Nay the Cat, you're ingesting a little too much fiber," I say. "You only need a teaspoon of hair a day, not a forty."

But her response is always the same old, "ooo-ah, ooo-ah, ooo-ah," immediately followed by mustard, yellow vomit laced with fur, on white carpet.

A high intake of dietary fiber generally leads to healthy, regular, bowel movements, but not with Nay Nay the Cat. She usually spells out her constipation issues, in skid marks, on the carpet.

Nadia the Dog, is helpful in cleaning up the the big pieces, of either of those messes, but she isn't very detail oriented.

"Nom, nom, nom, meh love kitteh cookees," says Nadia the Dog.

Which is generally followed by shrieking to the tune of, "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, Nay Nay threw up," or "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, poo poo!"

That's my que to come in with the baby wipes and Resolve.

But for the first time in my life I was notified by email, regarding this issue.

Subject: THROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: vinny@wemail.com

To: wendy@areyoubreathing.com

Email Body: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
throw up

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas, anymore."

Watch Out for Flying Clothes.

"Ahhhhhhhh! Get it off me now!"

The other morning Gio, Nadia the Dog, and I were in the bathroom. Without looking at Nadia the Dog, I could feel something was upsetting her.

However, she is usually upset about something. That something can range from someone almost stepping on her, to the wind blowing too hard, and rattling the doors inside the house.

"Yipes!" says Nadia the Dog.

I looked down to assess her current issue. Surprisingly I think this time she had a real reason to be upset. She had Gio's pajama top draped over her head.

"This pajama top is freaking me out!" yipes Nadia the Dog. "Get if off, please," she begs.

"Why does Nadia have your pajama top on of her head?" I ask Gio.

"Because I put it there," says Gio, waving his hands all about to describe the flinging action.

"Of course," I say. "She doesn't look like she likes it. I think she needs help."

"Oh, let me take it off," says Gio.

And he did.

"Thank you for saving me from that perilous situation," says Nadia the Dog to Gio. "But weren't you the one that got me into that mess in the first place?"