And I lived To Tell

After rescheduling my mammogram twice, I finally went last Friday. Walking into the breast care facility, I immediately felt at ease. How could I not? The place was decorated in various shades of my aura colors, yellow and purple.

I check in with the receptionist, who informs me, "We have state of the art digital mammography."

Are these mammographers, braggarts, or what?

Turns out they aren't.

Ladies, digital mammography is more accurate in detecting breast cancer. Request nothing but the best, in this case digital mammography, for your girls. Digital mammography uses lower radiation, takes better images, and can be shared more easily.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn my girls end up on flickr, an Internet photo sharing site. Just kidding. We hope.

Also, if you have breast tissue density over 50%, you should talk to your doctor about using ultrasound to check more thoroughly for breast cancer. The mammogram will detect your specific density.

After checking in, I'm shown to a dressing room, complete with a locking locker. Impressive.

I change into my purple gown, opening in the front, lock up my belongings, and Mary Mammogram takes me into the digital image processing room.

"Why are you nervous, this is a piece of cake?" she asks reassuringly.

"Uh," is all I can manage.

"Oh! says Mary Mammogram, after reading through my file. "No wonder, you're nervous this is your first time."

Yes, Mary Mammogram, you're about to digitally devirginize me with your mammography.

And I have to say, she did it gently and nicely, communicating every step of the way. She spoke in anatomical terms, which for an anatomist such as myself, is equivalent to "dirty talk."

We all know how women get "warmed up," when being talked to, and I'm certainly no exception to the rule. But she was speaking my language, Internet. How could I not succumb?

Mary Mammogram even gave my girls a soft, memory foam pillow. Now, that's some serious wining and dining.

And here's the kicker: I got to look at the digitized mammographic Pr0n, afterwards.

"Very nice," adds smooth talking Mary Mammogram.

"Oh too bad I don't have my phone, I could take pictures of the pictures," I say.

"Oh no!" shrieks Mary Mammogram. "I can't let you take pictures."

She quickly forgot, we were talking about MY BOOBS, here.

I could see I was too much for Mary Mammogram. She couldn't handle my photographic ways. Ironic, since she seemed to think nothing of photographing my girls.

Our relationship could never last, so long as she valued her photography over mine.

And like ships in the night, we parted ways. She said she'd send me a letter, in a week or so, with the results. I can't wait to see what she has to say for herself.