The Secret Language of Butts

My husband and I have been married for 12 years, now. He has a lot of sound effects, most of which, I'm used to.

When he blows his nose, it sounds like, "honk, honk, honk, honk, honk........."

There are actually too many honks too quote. When we're in public, and he starts blowing his honker, I give him a look, so he doesn't embarrass himself.

However, he is usually oblivious to my look, and honks away. At which point, I take great joy in watching the faces of people, who are unaccustomed to his honking. And I try really hard not to laugh at their faces, but it's hard.

Then there's his breathing. I used to assume he was laughing at me, but now I always make sure to ask.

"Honey, are you laughing at me, or just breathing?" I ask.

"Just breathing," he sighs.

The best way to describe his breathing is imagine Darth Vader's breathing, with an ever so tiny hint of laughter, infused into the breath.

It doesn't even scare me anymore, unless, of course, all the lights are out, and the room is very, very dark.



But the other night he caught me off guard.

"What did you say?" I ask, unable to make out the airy word on my own.

"Um, I didn't say anything," answers Stefan.

"I heard you say something, what was it?" I ask, wondering what on Earth he could have muttered under his breath, that was so bad, he couldn't repeat it.

"No, really, I didn't say anything," says Stefan. "I farted."

"Are you sure, because it sounded like a word, to me?" I ask hesitantly.

Then, I started to wonder do butts have their own secret language, like bees? And what does that say about me, if I actually understand this Fartlish??? Because if butts can talk, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what they're saying.

Turn it off! Turn it off!