Dental Drama

Okay well it wasn't enough for the dentist to take 69,000 x-rays. Oh no.

"You need a crown," he happily informs me. Do I look like the Queen of England?

Actually I knew I needed the crown, but I was pregnant and remember I didn't want to harm my unborn child. Has anyone seen my crack pipe?

"Can you people give me a break. I haven't been in for four years and now for my good behavior you treat me like this. I'll think about it." Yes I really said that out loud. Go ahead turn me in for dental abuse.

A week went by and I incorrectly thought they had forgotten me.

"You have 100% dental coverage for your crown, want to come in tomorrow?" they ask.

Thinking..........................................................."No," I say. Needless to say they scheduled me in two weeks for the crown and unfortunately my babysitter didn't cancel. Dammit Janet!

"Are you going to be okay?" they ask. "Do you need anything?"

"No, I took a quarter of a muscle relaxant when I got here," I say.

"Are you driving after this?" they ask.

"Well, yes, but the procedure takes two hours doesn't it?" I say. "It will be worn off in two hours."

"Yes it does. But just so you know it is a DUI if you get caught."

"Oh," I say. "Yeah I can call someone if I need to, but did you hear me say a quarter, as in one fourth, as in 25% of a muscle relaxant?"

I was starting to feel as if they were going to notify the authorities when I walked out the door.

After listening to the loud drilling noise and unsuccessfully crawling out of my skin for 15 minutes I finally say, "Can I get some of that nitrous oxide, please.."

"Oh we're done," they say in happy cartoon voices.

Now they need to make my three quarters crown on their computer and they are all very fascinated and proud. "Your going to have the first computer tooth on your block," they say with glee.

Now I'm thinking two things. "Are they going to print my crown on some kind of enamel based paper and glue it on? Is that going to be toxic? Oh no, oil based paint is bad, but water based enamel paint is good, so I'm okay, I think?

Actually it wasn't a printer, it looked more like a cross between a dishwasher and a printer. The second thought going through my mind was, "Wait.........Have they done this before or am I a virgin being sacrificed on some sort of dental alter? My wild imagination now working against me.

"Would you like a magazine, while you wait?" they ask.

"Yes, please."

"Is People magazine okay?" they ask.

"Fine," I say hoping looking at beautiful people with beautiful bodies will numb my brain.

However, what I didn't realize was I had fallen into another dental trap. Of all the magazines they could have brought me, remember they suggested and chose the issue, they give me the one about the actress who got a DUI, while on prescription drugs.

Does that remind you of anyone? Now I am sure they are notifying the authorities. Good thing I don't have my crack pipe on me.

The crown is done and they put it on while saying things like, "Wow, it's almost perfect!" Where is the mute button, I can't find it? Is "almost perfect" good news to anyone? Don't worry they used more noisy dental tools to get it "just right."

I left the dentist office with my new crown secured in my mouth and drove soberly to Gio's swim lessons, where the lifeguard said I couldn't swim on a full stomach.

"But I haven't eaten, I just got out of the dentist office," I say in my defense. "What is my stomach bloated again? And no, I'm not pregnant."

Do people not know about the rule that states, "Never, ever ask a women if she is pregnant even if you are sure she is. Wait until you are told she is pregnant or just let it go. She may be experiencing bloating, and therefore likely PMS as well, wherein you will definitely run the risk of bodily harm upon said inquiry."