"It Sucked and Then I Cried," by Heather Armstrong Book Signing Chat

New York Times Bestselling Author Heather
Armstrong signing her book,
"It Sucked and Then I Cried,"
an unfiltered, hilarious memoir
on pregnancy, childbirth, parenthood
and post-partum depression.

Note: This is how the book signing went down, y'all. All Heather quotes spoken with a Southern accent. To hear accent or view entire book signing event see video at the bottom of this post (30 min appx). Yes, there was a film crew from fora.tv . I was not part of the film crew, but I do ask the last question in the video. I do not have a Southern accent.

"Thank you so much for coming," says Heather Armstrong. "I didn't know if there was going to be anybody here because of all the very, very angry email that I got from the people in San Francisco. 'How I dare I label it San Francisco, when it's taking place in Mountain View.' I know the difference y'all. I do."

Me: Wilco Tango Hatemail! Wait, did my Mom send Dooce hate mail? Wouldn't that be ironic, especially considering I had just gotten my first hate mail only a few days before. I don't think my Mom would send dooce.com hate mail, would she?

Then Heather made an exciting announcement, that completely made me forget about hate mail, "today the book made the New York Times Bestseller's List!"

And the crowd cheers, "Hooray!"

Due to her being on book tour, she shared the news with her Mom over the phone, "step aside, Avon world sales leader! Step aside."

She described making the NY Times Bestseller List as "a good thing," and "the beginning of the rest of my life."

"It's been a really good (book) tour so far, says Heather. "I'm reading entries about boobs and sex. Last night in Seattle, after reading both entries, this Guy got up to ask a question."

"'I have no idea who you are,'" says the Guy. "'I was just browsing books. You kind of have a funny accent and I started listening. I have to tell you, my wife is 5 months pregnant and you have scared the total living s#!t out of me.' Then he walked away."

"So...my purpose tonight, is to scare anyone that's got a pregnant wife," says Heather.

The first entry she read from the book was on "breastfeeding and boobs."

"My goal was to be able to breastfeed and load the dishwasher simultaneously. And when that happened, I planned to take my act on the road."

"(Breastfeeding hunger) is an equal opportunity hunger. A hunger that does not discriminate. A hunger that believes homosexuals should be allowed to marry. I can't read this passage in Utah. Half the room would leave."

The second passage was on waiting 7 months to resume "sex after a vaginal birth."

"If you're one of those women, who after only six weeks of shoving her boobs down a bottomless possum, could reconvene the procedure (sex) with a smile or maybe even an 'ooh yeah babe,' then I heartily salute you and your robotic adjustable vagina. I bet yours is the type of vagina that can hum show tunes or fold sheets all by itself."

Me: If my vagina can fold sheets, then why is there so much dirty laundry?"


After the readings, which included a near simulation of oral sex, on the mike, so everyone in the room could hear her (she's so accommodating like that), she opened up the room to questions from the audience.

An audience member asked whether she would continue the blog after the baby is born.

"The number one complaint (from professional bloggers) is you can't take a break," answers Heather. "I don't plan to take a break. I don't think I'll want to. I'll probably seek it out as a refuge. I know it's going to be hard transitioning to two kids, and I think I'll want to write about it."

Me: And that was the understatement of the night! Good luck Heather and Jon because in two months the madness begins. We still haven't recovered, but that's okay, at least, we're having lots of fun. And it really does get easier as the kids get older, which is any minute now.

"What's the thing that has surprised you the most the last seven years?" asks another audience member.

"Well, this is kind of crazy," Heather says, gesturing to the bookstore's standing room only.

Another audience member asked if Heather had found a way to get beyond the hate mail.

"There's a lot of it," answers Heather. "Hate mail has become an occupational hazard.......When people are barking the same hateful comments, it just becomes noise (you tune in out) in the background.

Then she sang the haters a song. It went something like this, "And I'm a New York Time's Bestseller!"

"Did you ever think that dooce.com would be this big?" asks someone.

"I never thought dooce.com would be this big," answers Heather. "I really thought I was going to give it up when Leta was born. I used to plan in my head what the last entry was gonna be. I had no idea. I'm still sort of going along for the ride."

The last question made me raise my hand, besides it was the last question of the night, and therefore, my last chance to ask a question.

"How big is dooce.com?" I ask. "I watch your twitter followers go up by the 10s and 20s of thousands every day. "

"At the very end of signing up (for twitter) there's a page of people they recommend. And I happen to be on that list. So I owe Evan Williams (twitter CEO) my life.

"Ninety percent of the people (twitter followers) send me @replies all day long going, 'oh you're a woman? oh I didn't know that.' or 'oh you live in Utah? Weird....' 'You have children? Weird! I had no idea.'"

(Yes, very funny stuff when you consider @dooce (Heather's Twitter username) is THE Recovering Mormon Mommy Blogger.)

"As far as size (on dooce.com), in February, I saw almost six million page views, which is crazy." answers Heather. "It's not something I can wrap my head around."

And then she signed books. Watch the video, if you more Heather Armstrong. And, of course, get her book, y'all.

The end.