Math Diet Update #1

"I'm too sexy for my frosting," sings the Poptart.

I'm starting to see results from the Math Diet. Unable to contain my excitement, I've been telling everyone about it.

"Look, honey, I'm shrinking," I say to Stefan.

I thought he said, "Wow you picked up a smaller muffin top at the bakery, nice job!"

But what he really said was, "Honey, your tummy is getting smaller." That's what he says, he said, anyways.

The fact that his eyes were bulging out of his head, made me have an auditory hallucination. At least, it was an accurate interpretation of what he meant.

What was he staring at? Did my tummy get smaller, while my butt got bigger. I want to sing, "I like big butts and I cannot lie, those other brothers can't deny........." But I will refrain, for now.

"Is my belly shrinking,"I ask my diet coach. She confirms that it is smaller.

Then she shared something I didn't know. Something I, now, feel I must share, right here, on this blog with the Internet.


"Carbs(bread, pasta and rice) make you retain water," says my diet coach."

I knew it! I knew something was making me retain water, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Now, I know who the culprit is! I was being perpetually hysterically impregnated by carbohydrates! Evil, evil, horny, carbs!

"Honey get the gun!"

The nice thing about the math diet is, by adding the extra protein to my diet, I don't miss the carbs, that much. Though, I do finding myself daydreaming about cut bread and creamy pastas. And, when my diet coach ran off to South America with her tamales, I had a fling with a Poptart. I got so burned by that sweet little thing.

"Ouch!" I say. "That's no way to treat a lady. I don't care if you are Berry hot!"

My words were meaningless, though. As I was about to turn my back, and walk out on the poptart, I had a change of heart. So I sat down at the table and ate her.

Fortunately, my diet coach is back. I'm sure that won't happen again, or at least not berry often.