Math Diet: How to Send The Muffin Top Back to the Bakery Where it Belongs

Tired of still looking pregnant, I started a new diet. I didn't get this new diet from a book. I may have skimmed one diet book in my entire life. They are just too fatty, I mean faddy, for my tastes.

I'm following the diet of a friend. The diet consists of eating more protein than carbs, sounds like a familiar book to me.

"Your carb intake should be 1/3 of your protein intake," says my friend. "Eat a little more protein, as opposed to filling up on carbs. If you don't burn the carbs right away they get stored as fat."

"What's right away?" I ask.

"That day," she answers. "Protein doesn't get stored as fat if you don't immediately use it."

Excited about my new diet, I shared it with another friend, but "it was too mathy for her."

I feel so lucky to finally have my own personal diet coach to keep me on track. She even texts me through out the day to make sure I'm eating correctly.

"What's for lunch?" she asks.

"Salad, avocado, chicken, 1 slice of bread," I text back.

Later the same day she checks in on my meal, "What's for dinner?" Then predictably goes on to comment, "salad, avocado, chicken, bread?"

"Asparagus, avocado, brown rice, steak," I text.

"Rice has too many carbs," she texts.

"But it's brown rice," I text defensively .

"Rice and bread it's all the same," she texts correctively. "Too many carbs."

When I have weak moment she texts me strength:

"This poptart is whispering sweet nothings in my ear," I text weakly.

"Too much carbs," she command texts. "Tell it to go get its sweet on with someone else."

"But this poptart really wants me," I text lustily . "And it's berry hot."

"Drop kick the poptart," she texts violently .

She even brag texts about her snacks and meals.

"I just had a salad with carrots for mid day snack," she boast texts . "No meat, no carbs."

I can't eat that, I would starve on that menu. Hmmmmm, mid day snack? I wonder what she had for lunch, so I ask.

"I was hoping you wouldn't ask," she shamefully texts . "Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries and 4 slices of bacon."

Not one, or two, or three, but four! pieces of bacon! Wilco Tango Diet! But even with her transgressions, her "mathy" diet still seems to be working.

When she doesn't text me her dietary updates, she posts them on her Facebook status:

"yumm... chicken and waffles."

And

"Tamales!!! Tamales EVERYWHERE!!!"

"the tamales are a little small for my appetite so I need 2 or 3!"

Sometimes, I am not even sure if she's talking about food, but she's a professional so I never question her out loud.

Thanks to my friend's dietary support via texting and Facebook status updates, my pants are fitting a little loser and I'm wearing my belts on the next notch up or is it down? You know what I mean.

I've only been on the Math Diet a few weeks, and I'm already seeing results. Soon, muffin top will be something I can run out and buy at the bakery, instead of having to face in the mirror everyday.